Tag: jokes

— I’m well aware that not everybody in this room knows who I am. So let’s just address the elephant in the room. I know it is. Half of this room think I’m Kenan Thompson. The other half think I’m Louis Armstrong. President Biden think I’m the daddy on “Family Matters.”

— I’d like to stop right now, and congratulate tonight’s top scholarship recipient: Arizona State senior George Santos. Oh yeah, George couldn’t be here tonight. He’s auditioning for “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” We say good luck to you, George.

— Paramount Global right now is considering offers from Byron Allen and Tyler Perry to purchase BET. That’s how bad it is out there. These companies are so broke they’ve giving BET back to Black people. Which by the way, is not what we meant when we said Black people wanted reparations. We meant cash, you can give it to us in [the] Harriet Tubman twenties.

— Tucker Carlson is out of the job. Some people celebrating. But to Tucker’s staff I want you to know that I know what you’re feeling. I work at “The Daily Show” so I, too, have been blindsided by the sudden departure of the host of a fake news program.

— Fox claimed Dominion conspired with the Democrats to rig the election. The Democrats should be flattered that they thought that y’all was smart enough to rig an election.

— Yes, Don Lemon was a diva and he said a couple of women are raggedy in the face. But that’s a promotion at Fox News.

— Ron, everybody know how to do politics. This is America. We don’t pass laws. You make a promise to voters. And then you don’t do it. That’s what the great leaders in this room understand.

— Ask any Republican [to] try to explain CRT, they sound like a Democrat trying to explain the charges against Trump.

— You are trying to erase Black people and a lot of Black people wouldn’t mind some of that erasure as long as that Black person is Clarence Thomas.

— When the retirement age went up two years to 64 [in France] they rioted because they didn’t want to work till 64. Meanwhile in America, we have an 80-year-old man begging us for four more years of work.

— At the end of the day, [being] the vice president, the only thing you got to do is just be better than Dick Cheney. … They made a documentary about Dick Cheney. Now, I don’t know much about the job of vice president, but I do know if they can make a documentary about your time as vice president, you vice president-ed incorrectly.