Nothing says ‘We are an item’ like a naked selfie – just ask Eric André and Emily Ratajkowski

Name: Couple launch.

Age: May have its roots in the early days of Facebook’s “relationship status” option.

Appearance: A big reveal, in more ways than one.

What, like an engagement notice? This is before that, as soon as you want to spread the news that you have coupled up.

In other words, way too soon. Generally, yes.

What form does it take? The release of two doves? A public exchange of house keys? An announcement over the Tannoy at a local sporting event? Posting naked selfies on Instagram.

That seems a bit extreme. Not if you’re a celebrity. The comedian Eric André and the actor/model Emily Ratajkowski exposed their relationship – and themselves – in a pic posted on Valentine’s Day.

What of? André sprawled naked on a sofa, clothes strewn across the floor, his modesty preserved by a heart emoji with an arrow through it.

And Ratajkowski took the photo? Definitely. She is visible in the mirror behind him, holding up her phone, also naked (save for a bra).

Which implies they must have … um … It’s OK, they want you to know.

How long have they been going out? If that is what we can glean from this Instagram post, not long. Ratajkowski only announced her split from the comedian Pete Davidson in December.

At this stage, it seems like oversharing. In terms of making a relationship “Instagram official”, it is what is known as a “hard launch”.

But you said it was covered by an emoji! It’s just an expression.

Is there no less confrontational way to declare your status these days? There is the formerly fashionable “soft launch” – for example, Kourtney Kardashian revealed her relationship with the musician Travis Barker two years ago by posting a photo of their intertwined hands.

That seems a bit coy. It wasn’t so much a couple launch as the start of a sustained couple campaign – exhaustively catalogued – culminating in a wedding last May.

Any other options? How about ink? Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reconfirmed their commitment this Valentine’s Day with pics of their new tattoos – hers with the protective clingfilm still on, so you knew it was fresh.

But aren’t Ben and Jennifer locked in the gravitational pull of some endless on-again-off-again nightmare? Exactly: theirs is a coupledom that forever needs relaunching.

Quick question: if I’m not a celebrity, do I have to do any of this stuff? No. No one cares.

Do say: “I give it six months.”

Don’t say: “Can’t we at least wait till I’ve had my ex’s name removed from my buttock?”