Choose your words, rehearse and why less is more: how to do pillow talk well

The best sex I’ve ever had was with a man with superb oral skills. He could talk about sex so intoxicatingly I ended up moving in with him – and I’m still with him to this day. Expressing your desires with words is an art, while technology – voicenotes, texts, emails, and calls – offers a multitude of ways to communicate more compellingly than actual nudes.

According to a UK poll by condom brand Durex, one in five sexually active women and one in four men find sexting uncomfortable, or would never do it. To that end, it’s important to understand that some words might excite one person but turn off another. “My partner told me never to use the word ‘damp’ when talking dirty,” a friend, James, 43, tells me. The wrong word can do more than spoil a mood, it can be triggering, cause offence or even trauma. Due to the influence of porn, it can be easy to assume that erotic talk can involve humiliation, when in fact using “whore” or “slut” are simply degrading.

Sex educator and tutor of the Dirty Talk and Consent in Conversation workshop, Lola Jean, suggests casually chatting about names you do/don’t like yourself and your body parts to be called, as well as physical and non-physical compliments you enjoy, before you venture into anything proper.

If that feels awkward, sending texts or even voicenotes can be a less intimidating way of starting a sultry conversation; you can take your time composing what you want to say, and simply delete and do over if it doesn’t land. Try opening a sext session with options, including an elegant opt-out: “Would you rather tell me what you’d do to me if I was with you right now – or make time to talk later?”

This puts both parties at ease, and the chat on ice if they’re with their boss/mum, and means you won’t risk feeling rebuffed, especially if it’s taken a lot of guts to press send in the first place. You’re just being rescheduled for when they can give you the full attention you deserve; and you’re respectfully showing that you don’t expect them to simply down tools there and then.

Once you’ve built up a repository of texts, sex blogger and audio erotica producer Girl on the Net recommends reading them aloud while you’re alone, to practise for face-to-face delivery. “Recite them in front of a mirror to perfect your sexy smile at the same time, to begin feeling more comfy and less silly about what’s coming out of your mouth,” she says.

Rosy Pendlebaby is director of Revolting Arts Club, which runs a variety of sex-focused classes. She thinks the issue is that many people feel insufficiently creative to invent imaginative storylines about heaving bosoms and thick thighs out of thin air, or to come up with complex roleplay characters then act them out. Voicing fantasies can also feel exposing and high stakes, if you’re worried that your dream of, say, going down on your partner in public will go down like the proverbial lead balloon. Instead, kicking things off by recounting shared past experiences – “Do you remember when we …” – can feel more accessible and less pressured.

“If you’re usually quiet in bed and new to in-person pillow talk, start off slowly and don’t expect to be able to weave masterpieces with your horny words from the off,” advises Girl on the Net. “Introduce speech with a few keywords, like ‘more’, ‘yes’, ‘please’, ‘that’s so good’; then build from there.”

You don’t need to keep up a constant stream of chatter. Moments of silence not only give you the chance to think, but can build tension and give an aura of power and control, if that’s a dynamic you’re into.

But above all, don’t take it too seriously. The idea of a partner laughing at something you intended to be sexy might seem horrifying. “But it’s OK for dirty talk to be playful and silly, nobody gets it right every time,” says Pendlebaby. “Correct slips with warmth and kindness, and get on with having fun.”